Maw Broon Visits a Therapist

Crivens! This is jist typical. 
When it comes tae talking aboot me, 
well, A' jist clam up. Canny think whit 
tae say.
 
Weel, weel. A'm here because 
A' canny hawnle life, ken whit A' mean, 
because everything is awfy 
and A'm no masell. 

A' dinny ken who Maw Broon is anymare.
A' canny remember ma Christian name. 
A' remember when A' wis a wean, 
folks cried me something. 

The idea o' me ever being a bairn 
is impossible. A' feel A've aye worn 
this same pinnie and this heid scarf 
A've got on the noo. 

How come you've no got anything tae say? 
You've no opened yir mooth. 
Whit's wrang. Am A' no daeing it right? 
A' dinny ken hoo yir supposed tae dae therapy. 

Jings. Dae A' jist talk on like this? 
Michty. This is awfy awkward. 
You've no said a dickie bird. 
Tell you a dream? Crivens, 

A've no had a dream since A' wis a wean. 
An image? Whit kind of image? 
What comes tae mind? 
Whit represents whit? 

Och. This therapy's making me crabbit. 
A' thought this wuid mak me happy. 
This is awfy. A' feel unweel. 
How dae A' see masell? 

Weel. Am fed up wey ma bun. 
It is jist a big onion 
at the back o' ma heid. 
A' canny let ma hair doon.
 
A'm built like a bothy, hefty. 
A'm constantly wabbit and crabbit. 
Ma hale faimily taks me for grantit. 
A'll aye be the wan tae dae it 

whitever it is. Here - A'm quite guid 
at this therapy lark eh?  
Here, Maw Broon could be a therapist. 
Sit there like you are, glaikit, 
 
a box o tissues and a clock,
a few wee emmms and aaas. 
Jings, it's money for auld rope. 
There that's whit A' feel like - 

a tatty auld rope 
nibiddy wuid want tae climb 
a' twistit and tangled 
an, jings, this is exciting 

A' could break. A' could jist give in.