Haunted temple

I am sick
My body is sick of me ignoring her 
Says you must come back in and listen to me
But how could I?
Enter this temple once again?
 
Open gates to the immense 
Grief residue and rage
Open into memories of every invasion
Every self betrayal 
 
In this temple 
The followers of the faith and my dad's tyrannical tirades 
Still shake the cerebral walls
I don't know how to excavate their voices
Until now,I have invited in wiser, kinder men 
With saviour complexes to rule my temple instead 
In exchange for my power and worship 
 
Or I'd run into others temples myself, 
I know better, let me save you!
But burn out
Leads to the reckoning
 
It is time, time to tend
I enter my fleshy temple
Yelling I can't, I can't do this 
 
My elders and friends at the entrance
Shout down- you are not alone. and here’s a light
And here’s some wisdom and a throw to keep you warm 
and you can come back up for a break anytime you want.
 
I light candles and incense
Descending the steps
So much remains uncovered, shrouded in darkness
Water drips from leaky pipes, echoing ominously 
 
Into the throat chamber
Strangled with words unsaid
Rotting bodies with living screams stuck inside them
Bang against bug infested treasure chests
Desperate cries, let me out, let me be heard!
 
Raw and haggard, the children tremble and wretch
Horrified by their pain
I rock them, sobbing and say
“I see you now. I'm so sorry no-one was there”
 
And in seeing them 
A volcanic fire tears me up, burning 
In disgust at the injustice
I can't take it, I lock up the children again 
And climb back out
Watch comedy movies and doom scroll for days 
Reach out for a man to save me 
 
But the colonial patriarchal hissings rage on 
The cults commands and punishments 
Whip me up into a maddening vortex, spinning on repeat 
I try to find my feet 
 
Picking up the pieces as they cut me 
 
Choking on the arrogant stench 
Crawling through the dust and fog
I brush off the sacred totems 
To reveal a glimpse of my own essence
Unearthing the clear intuition 
Reclaiming innocence  
 
I deep breathe and shake, churning in the wind
And sing through a tingling purple mist, 
Untangling, pulling out energy and setting it free
In exorcisms both violent and softly
 
My limbs-tightened inside harsh and unforgiving ice 
I hit. Dance. Press. Hold.
Pleasure myself until eros unfolds, gently thawing and cracking it
Letting the water flow again, pulsed again with life
Tending each wound beneath the freeze 
With diligent kindness
 
And the holy books are burnt to fragments, 
But I do not bring men in 
To control and give sermons anymore
 
 
Instead I seek older women to help reignite the map
And write my own, from poems 
Of fury fueled strength 
In protection of tenderness
 
And in moments where I do not feel possessed,
I like living 
I like what I see in this temple of myself 
 
Tonight, a soft sigh slips deep into my belly 
And home can be right here
The steady place to land in, my own skin
 
I marvel. 
 
At the courage it takes 
The courage it is taking 
To still come back to this body 
Despite the violence inflicted upon it 
 
For this temple is still a haunted house
But I can turn a light on 
Now